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"Happiest birthday" 365 days. 365 chances were given. I wasted some, I sentiment others. What does it mean to be the happiest? Yesterday was my birthday. I celebrated with some of my friends, some family friends also came. Celebrating was almost near to existing. I feel so down than I normally felt. The excitement and astonishment? I only felt that the night before. This entire journey of my 17th year is nothing but full of doubts, hesitations, judgments, anxiety, selflessness, losses, and vulnerability. Remembering how everything went since December 15 last year, it was a mess. I tried to fulfill all of my plans, yet nothing seems to be going that way. I felt like my self-made path is nothing but a toddler plan - it has a lot of mistakes, turning points, fails, curves, overcolored places, and broken lines. If I were inside a car, I am on that cliff while still hoping that things will be alright, like someone will unexpectedly come and save me. That's how it went, full of...

  Dawn keeps coming back,  no word comes out my mouth. My presence seems to lack, I wonder if we still are chum.   Nights keep passing, yet I think you smile better now. "Aren't we that friends?"- mind asks, "happier he is with another one", response.   I can't utter to speak, When will we once again meet? I long for your care, "I'm missing you" is un-rare.       Passing halfway through the year seems like gliding down a cornice, not so smooth yet fast. Talking and checking up with my friends became a rare sight to see - not only on my punto de vista  but also on theirs. Recently, I keep on composing messages that end up staying on my memo for days to weeks. Why is it so hard to simply check upon them? They are my friends for my sake.     I feel like not talking to them while knowing they are talking to others is like a rubber band. I feel like the more we part, the more we will get hurt to the point that we might break. Never can I...

It's been 6 months since 2021 starts, going back to January 1st, if I will ask myself if my plans are going well - well, it's not. After 4 months, I got swayed by tons of works and unnecessary rests. People around me thought I work so much hard and needs so much rest, but no. I am tired not because I do a lot, I am tired of doing less. Looking back to the 2nd half of the year 2020, I've been complaining about lots of work given to us, I complain every time I have the chance to. But then, 2021 entered, and boom! Feels like all my complaints are heard. Yet not long after, I then complain again about the opposite thing this time. Well you see, I notice that I concern about things that are making me feel miserable for the time being and there is totally nothing wrong with that. Complaining about something is normal, thus just keeping it to yourself may just be a burden that will pile up. Some of the movies I watch said that shouting all the worries, complaints, and anger will h...

I always say, “Its okay to fall, we can still get up.” whenever I have a breakdown while doing something – which actually works. Back when I was in middle school, I used to soar as high as possible, I didn’t think of whatever anyone has to say because all I keep in mind that time, “I want to go up.” That was until I come into my senses. I started to realize I am not the center of anything nor anyone. But, I never blame myself thus I understand what happened – I just grew. Some people mistakenly believe that realizing that you made a mistake in the past means you are bad now.      “Never blame yourself for growing. Realizing you made a mistake at the past means you have learned from it.” Once we fall down, it’s either we can or we can’t stand up. Not all storms has a rainbow after. Not all problems has a solution to be done. Not all sadness requires happiness. And not all things will go the way we planned it to be. “It’s better to understand things rather than to hope endl...

I told myself, I will focus on myself more - like, more of self-centered, me first and only, and all those to know me more. Yet to start of, I felt like it is unhealthy, so I go back to the start and just told myself to go with the flow and just think twice before doing a thing. This might be cliché, but I never run out of love thoughts. There is always a time where I suddenly daydream about those scenarios that I want to encounter. This might be because I am a bookworm or a writer, but the difference is that - I am the character. Although I always tell myself that it'll never happen, I also keep reneging and reasoning that it can't, but it might be. Some people told me that we are too young to feel butterflies in the stomach. I did agree. In fact, whenever that feeling of confusion rise - I do try to stop it and tell myself, "Nah. It's not real.". But as I keep on telling that to myself, I suddenly ask myself, "So when is the time it'll be fine and real?...

When I see people at social media mentioning their friends and saying they are their “for keeps”, I find it interesting and cute, at the same time curious. What makes them think that those people are for keeps? Are they worthwhile? Are they fun to be with? Are they the ones who they cry on? I’m curious. I rarely open social media right now, but few hours ago I open it to see what is the current situation of our place. While scrolling I saw something that caught my attention – A schoolmate of mine share something about mental health. It caught my attention since I rarely see someone talking and discussing about mental health. I read what she said and it made me tear up. She stand against those people who are saying that depression and anxiety is just something that people made-up and thinks as if it is a nonsense. I don’t usually comment on posts, but I just feel like I need to thank her – thank her for understanding and thinking about what some people feel. I always keep in mind that w...

My eyes stuck at the wall. I always hear my phone ringing as if there is a mail coming just for me. It’s strange how people seems so get attach for you then just get lost when that moment end – I can’t deny that there is always a time in my life where I imagine doing things I want... with someone. It’s not completely because of these movies I watched that makes me want to go at parks with someone. It’s not completely because of these books I read that makes me want to watch movies with someone up until late at night. It’s not also completely because of these people that surrounds me that makes me want to experience being in love. It’s just that... I also do. I also do want it. I want to experience the feeling it gives. I want to see me smile because I am happy about it. I want to see... a fairytale like life. You can’t truly understand something until it happens to you They say that experience is the best teacher – yet for me it’s the lesson that is the best teacher. These things I wan...