Seventieth year wandering.

"Happiest birthday"

365 days. 365 chances were given. I wasted some, I sentiment others. What does it mean to be the happiest? Yesterday was my birthday. I celebrated with some of my friends, some family friends also came. Celebrating was almost near to existing. I feel so down than I normally felt. The excitement and astonishment? I only felt that the night before. This entire journey of my 17th year is nothing but full of doubts, hesitations, judgments, anxiety, selflessness, losses, and vulnerability.

Remembering how everything went since December 15 last year, it was a mess. I tried to fulfill all of my plans, yet nothing seems to be going that way. I felt like my self-made path is nothing but a toddler plan - it has a lot of mistakes, turning points, fails, curves, overcolored places, and broken lines. If I were inside a car, I am on that cliff while still hoping that things will be alright, like someone will unexpectedly come and save me. That's how it went, full of hopes - endless and pointless hopes. I once asked myself,

"Why do others can't do the things I can do to them for good? Why is it so hard to also do the same? Hello? I am also a human wanting to experience firsts, bests, and funs."

There are things that I want to stop doing for good. Imagine telling yourself to do this even without a return - although your mind really is looking forward to an exchange. I am at the point where I want to stop. Stop everything that requires hoping. Everything breaks me. I haven't met my friends for so long, and there are times where I doubt them to the point that I started convincing myself to stop meeting them. I felt unease. I know how they are not just here for needs, but also for good and bad times, yet I can't help myself to doubt. Anxiety kills me. I may not say this directly to them but I got the feeling of being replaced that's why I start trying my best to distant.

Friends. To tell you straight, I didn't have friends until I was in middle school. I only got one which is up until now, we are still together. I also did get a circle, but I guess it didn't last for 2 years. That circle breaks my heart just by thinking how it ends. Replacements. Why do people choose to replace? I ain't selfish, but must someone left-out one when they no longer feel the connection like before? Can't someone just revive and welcome it again?

"I will keep this picture and put it on my scrapbook for memories."

Scrapbook. I own one scrapbook where I put everything that I want to look back when I get old, but I am starting to hate it. I am starting to feel perplexed about how everything that I put in there doesn't last long. I am now afraid to keep another memory in black and white - feels like the circle will once again break. Should it really be meant to just be kept in mind and not in something that will make me reminisce the moment?

I am a coward, maybe yes I am. I am emotional, maybe yes I am. I am replaceable, maybe yes I am.

Lately, I was wondering why something feels so off. Is it that hard to say something negative right in front of someone? If so, then correcting is also not right. Is it that hard to stay? If so, then you might've thought that leaving is the best resort. Is it that hard to tell people straight what you really want to say rather than whispering to others the things that hurt? Must it be really hard to cut ties to friends you already make feel like a treasure? If that's the case, yes it is.

I am not needy, but I need my friends now more than anything. I long for how I talk to some of them. I cry at night thinking about what I did wrong to be replaced. I shiver in cold while thinking what did I do wrong to make me feel replaced. I cried. I cry. I cry a river. Crying serves as my blanket for that shivering night. Crying seems to know the answer to calm me down. But I wonder why when others cry, I am always that crying shoulder, yet I am the crying shoulder of mine. Do I really have to face 2 roles? I thought friends are for good and bad times...

No matter how much I give sign in every move I make, every post I make, every action I make - no help reaches me until I make a blast.

I hope I wish before the coming of age came, I got to find those that are really worthy of my existence. I am also a human, I get tired. It will take me a lot of courage, but just please stay friend so that it will not be hard I must.

"Happiest birthday"

Happiest is the last stage of describing a certain adjective. I will never be the happiest yet, but I will one day. I will feel that happiest birthday. So far, it was just not. I will keep on wandering, hoping wishing I will find that euphoria.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

I don't rush.

I told myself, I will focus on myself more - like, more of self-centered, me first and only, and all those to know me more. Yet to start of, I felt like it is unhealthy, so I go back to the start and just told myself to go with the flow and just think twice before doing a thing. This might be cliché, but I never run out of love thoughts. There is always a time where I suddenly daydream about those scenarios that I want to encounter. This might be because I am a bookworm or a writer, but the difference is that - I am the character. Although I always tell myself that it'll never happen, I also keep reneging and reasoning that it can't, but it might be. Some people told me that we are too young to feel butterflies in the stomach. I did agree. In fact, whenever that feeling of confusion rise - I do try to stop it and tell myself, "Nah. It's not real.". But as I keep on telling that to myself, I suddenly ask myself, "So when is the time it'll be fine and real?
Read more

Worth It.

When I see people at social media mentioning their friends and saying they are their “for keeps”, I find it interesting and cute, at the same time curious. What makes them think that those people are for keeps? Are they worthwhile? Are they fun to be with? Are they the ones who they cry on? I’m curious. I rarely open social media right now, but few hours ago I open it to see what is the current situation of our place. While scrolling I saw something that caught my attention – A schoolmate of mine share something about mental health. It caught my attention since I rarely see someone talking and discussing about mental health. I read what she said and it made me tear up. She stand against those people who are saying that depression and anxiety is just something that people made-up and thinks as if it is a nonsense. I don’t usually comment on posts, but I just feel like I need to thank her – thank her for understanding and thinking about what some people feel. I always keep in mind that w
Read more

Under starry night.

  Dawn keeps coming back,  no word comes out my mouth. My presence seems to lack, I wonder if we still are chum.   Nights keep passing, yet I think you smile better now. "Aren't we that friends?"- mind asks, "happier he is with another one", response.   I can't utter to speak, When will we once again meet? I long for your care, "I'm missing you" is un-rare.       Passing halfway through the year seems like gliding down a cornice, not so smooth yet fast. Talking and checking up with my friends became a rare sight to see - not only on my punto de vista  but also on theirs. Recently, I keep on composing messages that end up staying on my memo for days to weeks. Why is it so hard to simply check upon them? They are my friends for my sake.     I feel like not talking to them while knowing they are talking to others is like a rubber band. I feel like the more we part, the more we will get hurt to the point that we might break. Never can I blame any o
Read more