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It's been 6 months since 2021 starts, going back to January 1st, if I will ask myself if my plans are going well - well, it's not. After 4 months, I got swayed by tons of works and unnecessary rests. People around me thought I work so much hard and needs so much rest, but no. I am tired not because I do a lot, I am tired of doing less. Looking back to the 2nd half of the year 2020, I've been complaining about lots of work given to us, I complain every time I have the chance to. But then, 2021 entered, and boom! Feels like all my complaints are heard. Yet not long after, I then complain again about the opposite thing this time. Well you see, I notice that I concern about things that are making me feel miserable for the time being and there is totally nothing wrong with that. Complaining about something is normal, thus just keeping it to yourself may just be a burden that will pile up. Some of the movies I watch said that shouting all the worries, complaints, and anger will h...

I always say, “Its okay to fall, we can still get up.” whenever I have a breakdown while doing something – which actually works. Back when I was in middle school, I used to soar as high as possible, I didn’t think of whatever anyone has to say because all I keep in mind that time, “I want to go up.” That was until I come into my senses. I started to realize I am not the center of anything nor anyone. But, I never blame myself thus I understand what happened – I just grew. Some people mistakenly believe that realizing that you made a mistake in the past means you are bad now.      “Never blame yourself for growing. Realizing you made a mistake at the past means you have learned from it.” Once we fall down, it’s either we can or we can’t stand up. Not all storms has a rainbow after. Not all problems has a solution to be done. Not all sadness requires happiness. And not all things will go the way we planned it to be. “It’s better to understand things rather than to hope endl...

I told myself, I will focus on myself more - like, more of self-centered, me first and only, and all those to know me more. Yet to start of, I felt like it is unhealthy, so I go back to the start and just told myself to go with the flow and just think twice before doing a thing. This might be cliché, but I never run out of love thoughts. There is always a time where I suddenly daydream about those scenarios that I want to encounter. This might be because I am a bookworm or a writer, but the difference is that - I am the character. Although I always tell myself that it'll never happen, I also keep reneging and reasoning that it can't, but it might be. Some people told me that we are too young to feel butterflies in the stomach. I did agree. In fact, whenever that feeling of confusion rise - I do try to stop it and tell myself, "Nah. It's not real.". But as I keep on telling that to myself, I suddenly ask myself, "So when is the time it'll be fine and real?...

When I see people at social media mentioning their friends and saying they are their “for keeps”, I find it interesting and cute, at the same time curious. What makes them think that those people are for keeps? Are they worthwhile? Are they fun to be with? Are they the ones who they cry on? I’m curious. I rarely open social media right now, but few hours ago I open it to see what is the current situation of our place. While scrolling I saw something that caught my attention – A schoolmate of mine share something about mental health. It caught my attention since I rarely see someone talking and discussing about mental health. I read what she said and it made me tear up. She stand against those people who are saying that depression and anxiety is just something that people made-up and thinks as if it is a nonsense. I don’t usually comment on posts, but I just feel like I need to thank her – thank her for understanding and thinking about what some people feel. I always keep in mind that w...

My eyes stuck at the wall. I always hear my phone ringing as if there is a mail coming just for me. It’s strange how people seems so get attach for you then just get lost when that moment end – I can’t deny that there is always a time in my life where I imagine doing things I want... with someone. It’s not completely because of these movies I watched that makes me want to go at parks with someone. It’s not completely because of these books I read that makes me want to watch movies with someone up until late at night. It’s not also completely because of these people that surrounds me that makes me want to experience being in love. It’s just that... I also do. I also do want it. I want to experience the feeling it gives. I want to see me smile because I am happy about it. I want to see... a fairytale like life. You can’t truly understand something until it happens to you They say that experience is the best teacher – yet for me it’s the lesson that is the best teacher. These things I wan...

Seems like the wound from the past is opening once again. It's painful. It hurts. Whenever I fix something here in the house, I keep asking, "how would it be better?", "Should I turn it like this?", "Should I click this one and put this here.", "Why does this keep falling?", "What seems to be the problem?", "All of a sudden?", "Here we go again.". Thoughts and questions like these surround my mind like a bumblebee - irritating. Some of my days are not good, some of them are just as lucky, some make me laugh all throughout the day - While some are.... just good to be true. I know there wouldn't always be good days - there are bad days. I've learned that we can't avoid that mere fact, yet we could balance OR imbalance it. Life can have more bad days than good days.  Life can have more good days than bad days.  And life can also be equal. I belive that life is meant to be lived and not to just be alive. ...

I feel like I lost. I feel like I forgot something. It feels like I am running while the water I am holding is spilling all over. I wake up every day now feeling that sense and thought that I need to be productive, but somehow I just keep doing nothing. And I keep telling myself, "I used to dance. I used to paint. I used to video. I used to play. I used to do crafts. I used to play instruments. I used to sing. I used to write poems and songs. I used to be admired... What happened?" Crying over those thoughts is more hurtful than crying over love. That feeling that you lost something you always do... It breaks my heart. Seeing those people I know being cast and called out for the things I used to be good at makes me sad and teary. That should be me... Every day I wish to myself to go back to what am I back then - to go back to that talented me. It looks like I am inside a cage wherein the door is open but I am at that one spot... crying, afraid, sad, angry, and thinking I can...