Painful Lost.

I feel like I lost.

I feel like I forgot something.

It feels like I am running while the water I am holding is spilling all over.

I wake up every day now feeling that sense and thought that I need to be productive, but somehow I just keep doing nothing. And I keep telling myself,

"I used to dance. I used to paint. I used to video. I used to play. I used to do crafts. I used to play instruments. I used to sing. I used to write poems and songs. I used to be admired... What happened?"

Crying over those thoughts is more hurtful than crying over love. That feeling that you lost something you always do... It breaks my heart. Seeing those people I know being cast and called out for the things I used to be good at makes me sad and teary.

That should be me...

Every day I wish to myself to go back to what am I back then - to go back to that talented me. It looks like I am inside a cage wherein the door is open but I am at that one spot... crying, afraid, sad, angry, and thinking I can't.


"A dancer, more than any other human being, dies two deaths: the first, the physical when the powerfully trained body will no longer respond as you would wish. After all, I choreographed for myself. I never choreographed what I could not do. I changed steps in Medea and other ballets to accommodate the change. But I knew. And it haunted me. I only wanted to dance."

- Martha Graham


It's painful indeed.

I hate it so much...

Maybe I died already. For Matha Graham, maybe I did get my first death already. I lost my will and ability to pursue what I do. It does make me lifeless... But at the same time, I think it will make me stronger. Now that I came to realize, maybe it's the right time to be born again with that will and ability.

Coming from my soul, I know that it is still here - but compare to before, it's weak like a newborn baby. I know I need to once again revive it, because it is me who can live it again. It is me who can fix it.

If that time comes and I am back with all those things, I'll make sure I'll never lost it again. I'll make sure that if I die the second time, Its been more than a decade for my love and passion on them will last.

Location: Vivere Italia

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